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How is coaching different from psychotherapy? First of all, coaching
clients don’t have significant mental health problems (though
many of the clients I’ve coached have had mild symptoms of
ADD, OCD, anxiety or depression). There is a collaborative relationship
between coach and client – I take an active role in identifying
the goals as well as obstacles to achieve them (and I have permission
to be a bit of a nag in monitoring the client’s progress!)
I see coaching as a matter of asking the right questions, not telling
people what they should do.
Coaching focuses on constructing solutions and goal attainment –
goals are generally short-term, must be specific and realistic,
and achievement measurable. It doesn’t require subject-matter
expertise – though my 20-plus years of business consulting
experience (as well as my personal experience as an employee, supervisor
and manager) are invaluable. And after the first couple of meetings,
the monitoring of progress is often done via phone or email. Also,
health insurance doesn’t cover coaching – though some
Employee Assistance Programs do.
How to find a personal or life coach? Many types of coaches exist,
with different specialties, backgrounds, and training. The International
Coach Federation offers both credentials and specialized training;
you can find member coaches at www.coachfederation.org.
ROAD
RAGE (June 2006)
It’s
official: CalTrans’ annual survey indicates that Bay Area
traffic has gotten worse, up 9% over last year. One of the worst
backups occurs every afternoon on the 580 from Castro Valley to
Livermore. Of couse, this is only news if you haven’t driven
on the freeway in awhile.
As the weather
heats up, engines overheat, patience evaporates, and tempers often
flare. Summertime seems to bring out the bad driver in all of us,
whether we’re still doing the daily commute, or heading out
of town for some much-needed R & R. So how can you avoid becoming
a victim (or perpetrator) of “road rage” this summer?
Road rage is generally defined as a driver’s aggressive acts
taken out on other drivers. Some examples include speeding, tailgating,
flashing headlights, yelling at other drivers, running stop signs
or traffic lights, passing on the right, and weaving in and out
of traffic. However, according to a study published by the American
Automobile Association (AAA) in 1997, 37% of road rage drivers used
firearms against another driver, 28% used other weapons, and 35%
used their car as a weapon against another driver. And the numbers
continue to increase.
Studies point not only to traffic congestion, but also to longer
commutes to and from work, and an overall increase in the daily
stresses of living in today’s world as reasons for the increase.
It stands to reason that stressed drivers are more likely to become
road ragers.
But there may be another explanation for the behavior of that angry,
horn-blasting tailgater: a recent study by the National Institute
of Mental Health suggests that 5 - 7% of Americans may suffer from
something called “intermittent explosive disorder,”
which is characterized by angry outbursts or aggressive actions
that are way out of proportion to the situation. The biological
basis for the disorder involves inadequate production of the neurotransmitter
serotonin, which regulates mood. Treatment with antidepressant medications
seems to be helpful.
Short
of stocking your glove box with samples of Zoloft, the best strategies
for avoiding road rage focus on prevention: avoid driving at peak
traffic times, if possible; allow plenty of time to get to where
you’re going so that you won’t stress out if you get
caught in worse-than-expected traffic; give other drivers plenty
of room and keep your speed consistent with the flow of traffic;
and play relaxing music or listen to something entertaining on the
radio.
If a bad driver cuts you off, slow down and stay away! if you’re
being tailgated, resist the temptation to slow down even more, and
just get out of the way. Take a deep breath, and tell yourself,
“there’s no sense in letting this (descriptive noun
of choice) ruin my day”, or “I’m in control of
my reactions, and I can choose to remain calm and relaxed.”
Remind yourself that you’re not in a competition, your goal
is simply to arrive at your destination safely.
Also keep in mind, if there are passengers in your vehicle, that
your unmanaged stress or anger takes a toll on them, if they become
stressed, frightened, or angry at your behavior. Instead, enlist
their help in calming down or distracting yourself, so that you
can live to drive another day!
IS VENTING ANGER GOOD OR BAD? (March 2004)
According to
a recent news article, men who have angry outbursts and are hostile
to others have a 10-30% greater risk of developing premature heart
problems, including arrhythmia and stroke, than men who are able
to remain calm. These are the findings of a 10 year study of nearly
3700 men and women who had no signs of heart disease, as published
by the American Heart Association.
This is further
scientific evidence of what most health and mental health professionals
have long believed: venting your anger, or otherwise acting out
aggressive, hostile feelings, is a very unhealthy way to relieve
stress. Yet the common wisdom holds that it’s good to get stuff
off your chest, that you’ll feel better if you let the anger out
instead of keeping it bottled up inside. So how do you know what
to believe?
Ten
Things I’ve Learned About Anger:
- It is
not anger that builds up, but rather stress. Failing to express
anger does not build up more anger.
- Expressing
anger does relieve stress, but only temporarily – other stress
relief strategies are more effective in the long run.
- Anger
is not instinctive, like the “Fight or Flight” stress response.
It is actually a learned response, often learned at an early age.
- Anger blocks
our awareness of painful emotions (like fear, sadness, guilt,
humiliation) or uncomfortable sensations (like fatigue, overwork,
stress).
- Being
angry also blocks clear thinking and interferes with problem-solving.
- Anger can
help: it can give us energy and courage to frighten off a potential
attacker, or defend ourselves from a threat to our survival or
well-being. But those truly threatening situations are rare, or
should be, in most of our lives. We should reserve our angry responses
for those times.
- We pay
a price for anger: there are physical costs (like the risks of
heart problems mentioned above) as well as social costs (like
the loss of a friendship, or the good will in a business relationship).
- The more
you vent, the less effective it is, because people around you
will learn to ignore you, avoid you, or eventually, leave you.
- There
are more effective ways of relieving stress - exercise, stretching,
deep breathing or progressive relaxation relieve physical tension
without taking a toll on our health or our relationships.
- More effective
ways to deal with mental stress or threats to emotional well-being
include: focusing on what is in your control, putting things in
perspective, using positive self-talk or affirmations, re-framing,
and meditating.
Remember, expressing or acting out anger is a learned response, so
it can be un-learned. Individual counseling or anger management classes
can help. If you have a problem with anger, seek help now - your life
may depend on it! Resources
for Anger Management
The following books are all excellent and available
through New Harbinger Publications in Oakland (www.newharbinger.com):
- When
Anger Hurts, by Matthew McKay, Judith McKay and Peter D. Rogers
- The Anger
Control Workbook, by Matthew McKay and Peter D. Rogers
- Stop
the Anger Now, by Ronald Potter-Efron
- The Anger
Workbook for Women, by Laura Petracek
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE (June 2004)
Is there someone
in your life – a relative, a co-worker, a customer – who drives
you nuts? Do you feel your blood pressure start to rise just thinking
about that person? Can an encounter with him or her ruin your whole
day? Or does it seem like you’re simply surrounded by people who
are impossible to get along with?
Nearly everyone
can point to a particular person, or a situation involving certain
individuals, which makes them want to tear their hair out or run
out the door screaming. Usually it’s not possible to run away, so
we try different strategies to get along, or to get that person
to leave us alone. When those strategies fail, we may end up with
nightmares or ulcers, or even get into a fight or quit the job.
There is a
better way! You can learn how to deal with those difficult people
in your life without losing your sanity, your health, your relationships,
or your job.
The first
step is to understand the reasons for difficult behavior. For
example, small children become difficult when they are tired, hungry,
sick or uncomfortable (too hot, too wet). Children can also be difficult
when they are bored, or have too much going on. Well, guess what?
Fatigue, hunger, illness, physical discomfort, boredom and overstimulation
are all causes of adult misbehavior, too.
Some other
reasons for misbehaving: looking for attention, wanting to be in
control, or needing to feel powerful and important. Alcohol or drug
abuse often leads to difficult behavior. Another cause of bad behavior
is feeling threatened, e.g. one’s “territory” is being encroached
upon. And often people behave badly simply because they feel lonely,
or misunderstood. But how to identify the cause of the difficult
behavior?
As Yogi Berra
said, “You can observe a lot by watching.” Notice how the
person reacts to other people, or at different times of the day.
Is their behavior situational, or are they always difficult? Do
certain things seem to set them off? What does their body language
tell you? If you can’t figure it out by watching what they do, then
try listening to what they say. Listen “between the lines” to hear
what they may be afraid to say.
Observing and
listening also takes your focus off your own reactions, and will
help you respond less defensively. Their hostility may have nothing
to do with you! Even if you feel personally attacked, keeping in
mind the reasons for their behavior can help you choose to not take
it that way. If you feel threatened, try breathing deeply or counting
to 10. If that doesn’t help, tell the person you are feeling uncomfortable,
and ask them to back away, or lower their voice. Sometimes people
don’t realize they are intimidating.
Listening patiently,
without getting defensive, often goes a long way in dealing with
difficult behavior. But some people are so difficult that nothing
seems to work. Next month we’ll address strategies for dealing with
bullies, narcissists, and other truly difficult types of people.
BULLIES, NARCISSISTS AND SNIPERS (July 2004)
Last month’s
article, “Dealing with Difficult People”, identified some of the
reasons why people behave in difficult ways, and offered suggestions
for coping with difficult behavior in general. This month we’ll
take a closer look at three types of difficult people who can be
extremely hard to deal with.
Bullies
Like the Lion in “The Wizard of Oz”, most
bullies are really cowards, who have learned to intimidate people
as a way of getting what they want. The best way to stop bullying
behavior is to stand up to it: calmly and firmly tell the bully
to stop that behavior, let him or her know that this is not the
way to get what s/he wants from you, and then say what you would
be willing to do, if you were asked nicely. Easier said than done,
I know!
If the bully is very intimidating, you may need
to rehearse in advance how you will do it. Don’t try to stand up
to a bully alone if you’re afraid of getting hurt - find some friends
who are willing to join you. You should also report any bullying
behavior at work to your boss (unless your boss is the bully, in
which case you may need to seek advice from HR or someone in the
organization to whom your boss will listen).
Narcissists
In Roman mythology, Narcissus was a God who fell in love with his
own reflection. Narcissists are self-absorbed people who crave attention,
demand loyalty and devotion, and believe that their needs are not
just more important than yours, but are truly the only needs that
matter. The secret to getting along with a narcissist: make him
look good. As long as your behavior, words and presence reflect
favorably on the narcissist, all will be well, in fact you may find
him to be a charming and entertaining person.
But never disagree with a narcissist, unless you are prepared suffer
her wrath, or are ready to give up on the relationship. The only
thing a narcissist hates more than being disagreed with is being
ignored, so there’s a chance you can stay in her good graces if
you’re willing to apologize profusely, agree with everything she
says, and act like you’re awed to be in her presence.
Snipers
Otherwise known as Back Stabbers, these folks can be difficult
to deal with because they are friendly and agreeable to your face,
and will always deny any hostile intent, yet they find ways to attack
you invisibly, or when you’re not looking. The best way to deal
with this passive-aggressive behavior is to surface the attack:
that is, let the sniper know that you realize what’s going on, and
if you can, point out the sniping behavior as it’s happening. This
will likely make the sniper mad, but usually the attacks will diminish
over time if you confront them calmly and consistently.
My recommendations for dealing with all types of difficult people:
try to stay calm, take care of yourself, don’t take their behavior
personally, and don’t expect them to change!
OVERCOMING PROCRASTINATION (April 2006)
Is procrastination
a habit? Is it causing problems in your work, school or personal
life? Would you like to do something about it, but keep putting
it off because you don’t know where to start?
First thing
to do: stop beating yourself up. There may be valid reasons why
you procrastinate, and until you know what they are, you may not
be able to stop. Even if you know why you do it, berating yourself
for being a loser or lazy or lacking willpower doesn’t help, does
it?
Here are a
few of the reasons why people procrastinate, and some possible solutions:
- Lack
of motivation. Are you waiting until you’re ‘in the mood’?
Don’t! “Just do it”, as the commercial says. The law of inertia
says that when you’re not moving, the hardest part is getting
started, but once you’ve started the ball rolling, it will be
much easier to keep going.
- Lack
of reward. Have you noticed that you’re less likely to procrastinate
on doing your taxes when you’re expecting a big refund? Rewards
are motivating! So think about how you can reward yourself for
cleaning out the garage or writing that report.
- Unpleasant
or difficult tasks. Most people put these off, for obvious
reasons. But putting it off won’t make it any easier or more fun;
it will just ruin the rest of your day (or week) thinking about
it, so by the time you get to it you’re REALLY crabby! Try to
accept that a chore is just a chore, or focus on how much better
you’ll feel once it’s done, and dive in.
- Not enough
time in the day. The busiest people I know seem to be better
at getting things done. Their secret: break down big projects
into little tasks that can be done in 15-minute increments. This
works well for unpleasant tasks and difficult assignments, too.
- Fear
of failure or making mistakes. Being afraid to fail, or to
not do something perfectly, can lead to paralysis. It may seem
easier to do nothing than risk failure, but the truth is you risk
failure anyway if your procrastination results in losing out on
an opportunity or missing an important deadline. Rather than perfection,
aim for progress, and be OK with “good enough.”
- Lack
of desire. The most common reason for procrastination: you
don’t want to do the task, period. So ask yourself, “what will
happen if I don’t do it?” If you can live with the answer (“not
much”, “feel slightly guilty”) then you could decide not to do
it. If, however, the consequence would be undesirable (bad grade
or performance review), then try one of the above strategies to
get the task done. Don’t forget that letting yourself down
is a negative consequence.
Sometimes there’s
a good reason for procrastinating: maybe you’re just not ready,
and need more time – to prepare, to research, to gather needed materials,
or just to mull it over. Maybe it’s something you never should have
agreed to do in the first place – in which case your problem is
not procrastination, but learning how to say “no”.
If you’d like
to learn more about overcoming procrastination, an excellent book
is “The NOW Habit” by Neil Fiore; or check out the article
by Ramona Creel at www.OnlineOrganizing.com,
or contact me to find out how working with a therapist or coach can
help.
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