rebecca stanwyck
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Phone 510.881.2540



Castro Valley office
and mailing address:

21700 Redwood Rd, #B
Castro Valley, CA 94546

Pleasanton office:
5674 Stoneridge Dr, #218
Pleasanton, CA 94588

CA License #LCS12569

 



Articles - Marriage, Family and Relationships

Divorce and Coparenting

Surviving Infidelity

Communication for Couples

Finding and Keeping Love

Elements of a Healthy Relationship

Unhealthy Relationships

Back-to-School: Avoid Morning Chaos



DIVORCE AND COPARENTING
(May 2008)

If you’re recently divorced, or facing the prospect of divorce, and you have children, my heart goes out to you. You’re not just dealing with one of the most challenging life events that a person can ever experience, but the degree of difficulty is multiplied by the number of kids involved. And in my experience, the guilt is multiplied as well.

Most parents’ biggest fear is that the divorce will cause the children irreparable harm. After all, even if you didn’t choose to have this happen to you, you’re an adult and you’ll figure out how to cope. But the kids are innocent bystanders – it doesn’t seem fair, does it?

Take heart – the end of a marriage doesn’t have to mean the end of the family. It is entirely possible to continue to be good parents who raise healthy, happy kids despite the rift in your relationship. In fact, I know of many, many couples who have done so.

What about all of the books and research indicating that children of divorce suffer long-lasting psychological damage? Actually, in Judith Wallerstein’s famous 10-year study of families going through divorce, 45% of the children did not experience any long-term problems – vs. 41% who did (and 14% “not sure”). It seems it’s not the divorce itself that’s so traumatizing to kids, but rather how the parents act, before, during and after, that makes the difference.

The research shows that children fare best after divorce when they are shielded from conflict, and cared for by both parents. When children go into a divorce psychologically OK, they’ll come through it OK, too. The key to a good outcome lies with you – and your ex. How well you handle the divorce transition, and your own emotions, will affect your children far more than the divorce itself.

 

 

Whatever feelings you may have toward your ex, you aren’t going to be able to simply “X” him or her out of your life and move on. You’ll remain connected to this person for the rest of your life, because of the children you share. Some divorced couples actually end up being friends, but if that seems impossible, then try to regard each other as business partners who are forming a limited partnership for the purpose of raising your children.

So don’t badmouth your ex or argue in front of your child(ren), no matter how hurt or angry you may be. Don’t confide in your child about what went wrong in your marriage, or put them in the middle by asking them to choose sides – they have the right to love both of you.

Do maintain a child’s familiar environment and routine as much as possible. Tell them clearly and often: “It’s not your fault” and “you still have two parents who love you.” Create transition rituals to make it easier for them to go back and forth between you. The best custody arrangements allow for flexibility to accommodate business trips, or visits from grandparents.

For more “Do’s and Don’ts”, a good book is “Vicky Lansky’s Divorce Book for Parents”. There are other helpful books, and I also highly recommend counseling – I’ve helped many divorced or divorcing parents improve their co-parenting relationship, even when they’re barely speaking.


SURVIVING INFIDELITY
(February 2007)

You’ve just learned that your spouse or partner has been unfaithful – or perhaps you and your partner are arguing about whether his or her behavior is truly cheating - now what?

Infidelity is a serious, yet all too common problem in relationships: while 90% of those surveyed in a Gallup poll said they disapprove of extramarital affairs, nearly a third of all marriages will experience one (and the percentage is even higher among non-married couples).

First, let’s settle that argument: infidelity is defined as a betrayal of trust, in what was supposed to be a monogamous or sexually exclusive relationship, which may occur whether or not a couple is married. It involves any intimacy of a sexual nature with someone besides your partner, whether or not actual physical contact takes place – for example, engaging in sexually explicit phone conversations, or sharing of sexual fantasies in an online chat room.

Myth #1: "Online affairs aren't really cheating." The Internet has spawned a whole new category of infidelity: the online affair. These can be especially insidious, because they can go on literally under the other partner's nose, as the person sits typing away on their computer in the family home; and they may be just as destructive to the marriage or primary relationship.

Myth #2: "As long as they're not having sex it's OK". I often hear about the "just friends" relationships, which may occur with a co-worker or family friend known to the other partner. Why should you object? Maybe because the person who's supposed to be your beloved partner is spending most of their time and energy thinking about, making plans for, and having intimate conversations with, someone else (the "emotional affair"). Emotional affairs often become physical, but even if they don't, they can still jeopardize the primary relationship.

Myth #3: "It's the other partner's fault." Contrary to popular belief, infidelity doesn't always mean the primary relationship is unhappy, or even that there's a lack of sexual satisfaction.

People (women as well as men) can be unfaithful for a variety of reasons: 1) due to immaturity or an inability to handle emotional intimacy; 2) to numb inner pain or feelings of emptiness; 3) to boost their ego; 4) to punish their partner for some perceived wrong; 5) to provide an exit strategy if they believe their marriage is ending; 6) in response to an existential crisis, like facing the prospect of aging or losing a loved one; or even 7) by accident, if drunk or drugged.

The impact of infidelity on a relationship is often devastating: the betrayed partner may feel rage, anguish, despair, fear, disgust, or hopelessness. She or he may become physically ill. And on the other side, the betrayer may feel guilt, shame, confusion or remorse. Occasionally, the main feeling is one of relief, when what’s been kept secret is brought out into the open.

But an affair is not necessarily fatal to the relationship. I have counseled many couples and individuals who have found that infidelity is survivable, and if handled right, may even make the relationship stronger. Many couples are motivated to work through the crisis, especially if they have children, but also if they share values, beliefs and interests, and/or have invested time and effort to build a life together. Counseling, either spiritual, psychological, or both, is essential in order to deal with the feelings of betrayal, and to begin to build trust again.


COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES (February 2006)

Have you “lost that loving feeling” in your relationship? Maybe it’s time to review some rules of good communication to help you get back on track again:

  1. Make “I statements” rather than “you statements”. Say how you feel or how your partner’s actions affect you (e.g. say “I felt hurt and angry when you came home late last night” rather than “You’re completely irresponsible, you don’t think about anybody but yourself”).
  2. Ask for what you want, instead of complaining about what you don’t want. (e.g. say “Next time you think you’re going to be late for dinner, I’d like you to let me know so I’m not left wondering what happened – will you do that for me?”)
  3. “Seek first to understand.” (One of Steven Covey’s "7 Habits of Highly Effective People".) Rather than starting a conversation by talking about what’s on your mind, invite your partner to share what’s on his or her mind first. Say “I’d like to hear how you feel” or “what’s your perspective on this?”
  4. Don’t interrupt your partner when s/he is talking. And try actually listening to what your partner is saying, rather than simply thinking about what you’re going to say next!
  5. If you can “paraphrase” what your partner says, then s/he will know that you have been listening (e.g. “I hear you say that you feel . . . . do I have it right?”)
  6. Don’t “mind read”, that is, don’t speculate about what your partner is thinking, feeling, or trying to do (e.g. “You’re trying to make me feel guilty”). By the same token, don’t expect your partner to know what you’re thinking or what you need.
  7. Stick to one topic at a time, and don’t store up complaints (e.g. “And another thing . . . and also . . . and why did you have to . . .?”), or your partner will feel overwhelmed and overloaded with negativity.
  8. Don’t bring up resentments from the past (unless it’s still a current issue). And try to avoid getting sidetracked in an argument over irrelevant issues (e.g. “It happened in September.” “No, it was October.” “No, I distinctly remember it was September.”)
  9. Avoid using “always” or “never”(e.g. “You never lift a finger around here”). It invites your partner to focus on proving you wrong by listing the times s/he has lifted a finger. Be specific about what you want, e.g., “I’d like it if you’d do the dishes tonight.”
  10. Don’t label or name-call (e.g. “You’re just like your mother” or “You’re an idiot!”).

Think of these as suggestions rather than absolute rules. Realistically, most people don’t and can’t practice these rules all of the time, nor will using them guarantee the success of your relationship. I’ve observed happy, loving relationships in which the partners break all of these rules! But if you develop the habit of using at least some of these rules in your daily communication, your relationship will benefit.


FINDING AND KEEPING LOVE (February 2004)

In February our thoughts turn to love. . . .

If you’re one of the lucky few who happen to be “in love”, life is beautiful, you’re busy thinking about roses and chocolate and romantic getaways (and this article isn’t for you). But the time around Valentine’s Day can be a difficult time, even a sad and lonely time, for those who:

  • are desperately searching for Mr. (or Ms.) Right
  • have “lost that loving feeling” in their marriage or relationship
  • have recently broken off a relationship or divorced

If you’re having trouble finding love, or keeping it, you might be misinformed about what love is. Here are some common myths about love:

  • You must find your “soul mate” in order to be happy
  • “Love at first sight” is true love
  • If you truly love each other, everything else will work itself out
  • If the love has gone out of your relationship, it’s time to move on

Most of us didn’t get the kind of love we needed as children – even if our parents loved us dearly, they may not have known how to show it or give it in the way we wanted. So we unconsciously look for a partner who will love us the way we want to be loved, to make up for that lack. When the object of our affection isn’t able to live up to those unrealistic expectations, we may feel angry or disappointed or rejected, or even give up on the relationship.

Another mistake we may make is to get “love” and “chemistry” confused – while good physical chemistry is important for most people, it’s not enough, nor is it essential. It’s possible to be happy in a relationship without sex, or even without ”romantic” love. There are different kinds of love – in my experience, it’s the kind that involves consistently treating someone with kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect that endures.

Here are what I believe to be the elements for a successful relationship:

  1. Respect – for yourself, for your partner, and for your relationship
  2. Compatibility – most of your strengths and weaknesses compliment, not conflict; you have enough similar interests, desire similar level of intimacy
  3. Shared values – this is especially important if you have, or plan to have, children
  4. Ability to deal with conflicts constructively (conflicts are inevitable, and even necessary for a healthy relationship)
  5. Willingness to forgive yourself and your partner, for not being perfect, and move on without resentments
  6. And you enjoy each other’s company, at least most of the time!


ELEMENTS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (February 2005)

After years of counseling couples, I’ve come to believe that communication, especially about feelings, is overrated as an essential element of a good relationship.

Some people are better communicators than others, and some are better at identifying and talking about feelings in particular. While it’s often helpful to know what you are feeling, in fact it may not always be a good idea to tell your partner: you might hurt their feelings, or be misunderstood – or be understood and told you are wrong!

A familiar complaint: “She says she wants to know how I feel, but then when I tell her, she gets mad – or she tells me I shouldn’t feel that way!”  Message to partner: if you’re not ready to hear the truth, then don’t ask.

Actions speak louder than words: judge your partner, or a potential mate, by what they do more than what they say. Does he or she treat you with kindness and respect? Mutual respect is the foundation of a good relationship. Does he do what he says he’s going to do? Does she keep her promises? Being consistent and trustworthy is an essential element of a healthy relationship.

So is being attentive and considerate. The simple little things count, like remembering to get his favorite brand of soda when you’re at the grocery store. Each thoughtful gesture is like money in the bank (and a year’s worth of them might just make up for forgetting your anniversary). A healthy relationship is one in which each person feels understood and accepted – for who they are, not who their partner hopes to change them into!

Another essential element is personal responsibility: in a healthy relationship, each person is accountable for his or her own behavior, but not responsible for controlling their partner’s. Neither person treats the other like a child.

Being responsible for your own behavior means apologizing promptly and sincerely when you make a mistake, like forgetting to tell your partner that you’ll be working late and won’t be home for dinner. Be quick to apologize for your mistakes, and slow to blame your partner for theirs.

Conflict is a normal element in relationships. Happy couples know this, and deal with their conflicts in ways that aren’t destructive. They’ve learned that it’s often better to be happy than right, and that some disagreements don’t have to get resolved.

One of the most important elements of a healthy relationship is connection: do you and your partner “check in” with each other about how your day went? Do you find ways to let your partner know that he or she is in your thoughts when you’re apart? Do you feel like you’re both on the same team, working toward the same goals?

And finally, an essential element is enjoying each other’s company, whether out on a date at a fancy restaurant, or just hanging out at home.


UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS (March 2005)

Last month’s topic was “Elements of a Healthy Relationship” – this month I’ll address unhealthy relationships, how to recognize if you’re in one, and what to do about it.

Does your partner find fault with nearly everything you do? Do you feel like you’ll never be able to please her? Does he talk down to you, lie to you, cheat on you, hit you, or otherwise treat you with disrespect? Is it impossible to have a conversation with your partner about what’s bothering you? Do you feel more alone than when you were single?

John Gottman, in his excellent book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, talks about four elements of an unhealthy marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In my practice, I have seen many couples, married or not, who exhibit these negative behaviors in their interactions with each other.

Perhaps these behaviors were present in the relationship from the beginning, maybe because of how one or both of them were raised. Sometimes negative behaviors develop after years of accumulated resentments, or are simply unsatisfactory attempts to cope with the stress of living with another person, dealing with work pressures, and/or raising a family. In other words, people argue and fight because they don’t know any other way to communicate their needs or relieve their stress. Alcohol or drug abuse may also play a role.

If the angry outbursts become physical (shoving, slapping, hitting or worse), or if your partner has threatened to physically harm you, I urge you to remove yourself from the situation and seek help. Don’t make the mistake of believing the abuser’s next-day promise to “never do it again”: the cycle of abuse and apology will most likely continue unless he (or she) gets specific treatment for anger management. (For confidential information and support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233; or go to www.ndvh.org.)

While most of us know that physical abuse is not OK, people don’t always realize that verbal or emotional abuse can be as harmful. “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans describes how the verbal abuser uses insults, intimidation and manipulation to control his partner by destroying her self-image and confidence, e.g. repeatedly telling her she’s fat, ugly, lazy, stupid and/or selfish.

Sometimes verbal abuse is subtle, like mean-spirited teasing that the abuser will follow with “can’t you take a joke?” or “you’re too sensitive.” Ignoring you, refusing to speak to you for days, or trying to make you think you’re going crazy, are also forms of emotional abuse.

Should you find yourself in one of these unhealthy relationship scenarios, don’t despair: ask your partner to go to couples counseling, and if s/he refuses, seek counseling for yourself. Once you take action to change your situation, your partner may come around; if not, then at least you will be able to develop the confidence and courage to move on.


BACK-TO-SCHOOL: AVOID MORNING CHAOS (September 2004)

Summer’s over, school is back in session, and traffic is heavier again! Most parents I know are relieved when school starts up, but dread dealing with groggy kids who dawdle over breakfast and make their parents late for work. Here are some tips to help you and your kids get back in the school routine, and avoid stress and chaos in the morning:

  1. Plan ahead. Buy or make a calendar with a column for each person in the family, where you can keep track of school and afterschool activities, project due dates, etc. On Sunday, plan out the week ahead so everyone knows what their responsibilities and commitments are.
  2. Establish a regular routine, and assign tasks and responsibilities to each child – for after school and evening as well as morning. Kids benefit from consistency, and good habits learned early will last a lifetime.
  3. Go to bed earlier. Most adults need at least 7 hours of sleep, most children need at least 9. Help your kids wind down for bed half an hour in advance, with relaxing activities like reading, taking a bath, or listening to (quiet) music.
  4. Get everyone their own alarm clock (or two, for sound sleepers!). You can also have a bedside lamp put on a timer, and set to go off 15 minutes before the alarm, as exposure to light helps the body awaken.
  5. Get up half an hour before the kids get up. Stretch, shower, walk the dog, drink a cup of coffee – whatever helps you get ready to face the day, so you’ll be better able to help the kids face theirs. I’ve found this is the single most effective tip for making mornings manageable!
  6. Limit morning decisions: if your kids pack a lunch, have them make it the night before. They can also decide the night before what to eat for breakfast, and select their clothes for the next day.
  7. Limit morning showers to 5 minutes – just enough time to help with waking up (and to take care of sleep-mussed hair). Or have kids shower or bathe the night before, which will help them relax for sleep - then just a splash of cold water on the face and a wet comb on the hair will suffice in the morning.
  8. Quick and nutritious breakfast options: for light eaters, milk and a banana, or a carton of low-fat yogurt. Protein shakes are easily whipped up in the blender. Frozen waffles, PB&J sandwiches, and granola bars can be eaten on the way to school (and teeth can be brushed at school, if they keep a small toothpaste and brush in their pack).
  9. Have a set place for everything: backpacks, jackets, lunch money, car keys. A checklist by the door can also help to avoid those frantic, last-minute searches, and prevent having to double back after you’re already on the road.
  10. Keep a sense of humor, and be flexible. One of the best stories I ever heard was from a mother of five who was at her wits’ end with one son who simply could not get moving in the morning: the solution she finally arrived at was to have him bathe and dress in his school clothes (minus shoes) the night before, so all she had to do in the morning was get him out of bed and into the car (where she had his shoes and a breakfast bar waiting). Her mother-in-law was aghast that the boy’s clothes and hair were rumpled, but no one else minded, and sanity was restored to the family’s mornings.

 
© 2005 – 2008, Rebecca A. Stanwyck, LCSW. All rights reserved.