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Whatever feelings you may have toward your ex, you aren’t going to be able to simply “X” him or her out of your life and move on. You’ll remain connected to this person for the rest of your life, because of the children you share. Some divorced couples actually end up being friends, but if that seems impossible, then try to regard each other as business partners who are forming a limited partnership for the purpose of raising your children.
So don’t badmouth your ex or argue in front of your child(ren), no matter how hurt or angry you may be. Don’t confide in your child about what went wrong in your marriage, or put them in the middle by asking them to choose sides – they have the right to love both of you.
Do maintain a child’s familiar environment and routine as much as possible. Tell them clearly and often: “It’s not your fault” and “you still have two parents who love you.” Create transition rituals to make it easier for them to go back and forth between you. The best custody arrangements allow for flexibility to accommodate business trips, or visits from grandparents.
For more “Do’s and Don’ts”, a good book is “Vicky Lansky’s Divorce Book for Parents”. There are other helpful books, and I also highly recommend counseling – I’ve helped many divorced or divorcing parents improve their co-parenting relationship, even when they’re barely speaking.
SURVIVING INFIDELITY (February
2007)
You’ve just learned that your spouse or partner has been unfaithful
– or perhaps you and your partner are arguing about whether
his or her behavior is truly cheating - now what?
Infidelity is a serious, yet all too common problem in relationships:
while 90% of those surveyed in a Gallup poll said they disapprove
of extramarital affairs, nearly a third of all marriages will experience
one (and the percentage is even higher among non-married couples).
First, let’s settle that argument: infidelity is defined as
a betrayal of trust, in what was supposed to be a monogamous
or sexually exclusive relationship, which may occur whether or not
a couple is married. It involves any intimacy of a sexual nature
with someone besides your partner, whether or not actual physical
contact takes place – for example, engaging in sexually
explicit phone conversations, or sharing of sexual fantasies in an
online chat room.
Myth #1: "Online affairs aren't really cheating."
The Internet has spawned a whole new category of infidelity: the online
affair. These can be especially insidious, because they can go on
literally under the other partner's nose, as the person sits typing
away on their computer in the family home; and they may be just as
destructive to the marriage or primary relationship.
Myth #2: "As long as they're not having sex it's OK".
I often hear about the "just friends" relationships, which may occur
with a co-worker or family friend known to the other partner. Why
should you object? Maybe because the person who's supposed to be your
beloved partner is spending most of their time and energy thinking
about, making plans for, and having intimate conversations with, someone
else (the "emotional affair"). Emotional affairs often become physical,
but even if they don't, they can still jeopardize the primary relationship.
Myth
#3: "It's the other partner's fault." Contrary to popular
belief, infidelity doesn't always mean the primary relationship
is unhappy, or even that there's a lack of sexual satisfaction.
People (women as well as men) can be unfaithful for a variety of
reasons: 1) due to immaturity or an inability to handle emotional
intimacy; 2) to numb inner pain or feelings of emptiness; 3) to
boost their ego; 4) to punish their partner for some perceived wrong;
5) to provide an exit strategy if they believe their marriage is
ending; 6) in response to an existential crisis, like facing the
prospect of aging or losing a loved one; or even 7) by accident,
if drunk or drugged.
The impact of infidelity on a relationship is often devastating:
the betrayed partner may feel rage, anguish, despair, fear, disgust,
or hopelessness. She or he may become physically ill. And on the
other side, the betrayer may feel guilt, shame, confusion or remorse.
Occasionally, the main feeling is one of relief, when what’s
been kept secret is brought out into the open.
But
an affair is not necessarily fatal to the relationship.
I have counseled many couples and individuals who have found that
infidelity is survivable, and if handled right, may even
make the relationship stronger. Many couples are motivated to work
through the crisis, especially if they have children, but also if
they share values, beliefs and interests, and/or have invested time
and effort to build a life together. Counseling, either spiritual,
psychological, or both, is essential in order to deal with the feelings
of betrayal, and to begin to build trust again.
COMMUNICATION
FOR COUPLES (February 2006)
Have you “lost
that loving feeling” in your relationship? Maybe it’s time to review
some rules of good communication to help you get back on track again:
- Make
“I statements” rather than “you statements”. Say how you feel
or how your partner’s actions affect you (e.g. say “I felt
hurt and angry when you came home late last night” rather
than “You’re completely irresponsible, you don’t think about
anybody but yourself”).
- Ask for
what you want, instead of complaining about what you don’t
want. (e.g. say “Next time you think you’re going to be late
for dinner, I’d like you to let me know so I’m not left wondering
what happened – will you do that for me?”)
- “Seek
first to understand.” (One of Steven Covey’s "7 Habits of
Highly Effective People".) Rather than starting a conversation
by talking about what’s on your mind, invite your partner to share
what’s on his or her mind first. Say “I’d like to hear how
you feel” or “what’s your perspective on this?”
- Don’t
interrupt your partner when s/he is talking. And try actually
listening to what your partner is saying, rather than simply thinking
about what you’re going to say next!
- If you can
“paraphrase” what your partner says, then s/he will know
that you have been listening (e.g. “I hear you say that you
feel . . . . do I have it right?”)
- Don’t
“mind read”, that is, don’t speculate about what your partner
is thinking, feeling, or trying to do (e.g. “You’re trying
to make me feel guilty”). By the same token, don’t expect
your partner to know what you’re thinking or what you need.
- Stick
to one topic at a time, and don’t store up complaints (e.g.
“And another thing . . . and also . . . and why did you have
to . . .?”), or your partner will feel overwhelmed and overloaded
with negativity.
- Don’t
bring up resentments from the past (unless it’s still a current
issue). And try to avoid getting sidetracked in an argument over
irrelevant issues (e.g. “It happened in September.” “No, it
was October.” “No, I distinctly remember it was September.”)
- Avoid
using “always” or “never”(e.g. “You never lift a finger
around here”). It invites your partner to focus on proving
you wrong by listing the times s/he has lifted a finger. Be specific
about what you want, e.g., “I’d like it if you’d do the dishes
tonight.”
- Don’t
label or name-call (e.g. “You’re just like your mother”
or “You’re an idiot!”).
Think of these
as suggestions rather than absolute rules. Realistically, most people
don’t and can’t practice these rules all of the time, nor will using
them guarantee the success of your relationship. I’ve observed happy,
loving relationships in which the partners break all of these rules!
But if you develop the habit of using at least some of these rules
in your daily communication, your relationship will benefit.
FINDING AND KEEPING LOVE (February 2004)
In February
our thoughts turn to love. . . .
If you’re one
of the lucky few who happen to be “in love”, life is beautiful,
you’re busy thinking about roses and chocolate and romantic getaways
(and this article isn’t for you). But the time around Valentine’s
Day can be a difficult time, even a sad and lonely time, for those
who:
- are desperately
searching for Mr. (or Ms.) Right
- have “lost
that loving feeling” in their marriage or relationship
- have recently
broken off a relationship or divorced
If you’re having
trouble finding love, or keeping it, you might be misinformed about
what love is. Here are some common myths about love:
- You must
find your “soul mate” in order to be happy
- “Love at
first sight” is true love
- If you truly
love each other, everything else will work itself out
- If the love
has gone out of your relationship, it’s time to move on
Most of us
didn’t get the kind of love we needed as children – even if our
parents loved us dearly, they may not have known how to show it
or give it in the way we wanted. So we unconsciously look for a
partner who will love us the way we want to be loved, to make up
for that lack. When the object of our affection isn’t able to live
up to those unrealistic expectations, we may feel angry or disappointed
or rejected, or even give up on the relationship.
Another mistake
we may make is to get “love” and “chemistry” confused – while good
physical chemistry is important for most people, it’s not enough,
nor is it essential. It’s possible to be happy in a relationship
without sex, or even without ”romantic” love. There are different
kinds of love – in my experience, it’s the kind that involves consistently
treating someone with kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect that
endures.
Here are what
I believe to be the elements for a successful relationship:
- Respect
– for yourself, for your partner, and for your relationship
- Compatibility
– most of your strengths and weaknesses compliment, not conflict;
you have enough similar interests, desire similar level of intimacy
- Shared
values – this is especially important if you have, or plan
to have, children
- Ability
to deal with conflicts constructively (conflicts are inevitable,
and even necessary for a healthy relationship)
- Willingness
to forgive yourself and your partner, for not being perfect,
and move on without resentments
- And you
enjoy each other’s company, at least most of the time!
ELEMENTS OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (February 2005)
After years
of counseling couples, I’ve come to believe that communication,
especially about feelings, is overrated as an essential element
of a good relationship.
Some people
are better communicators than others, and some are better at identifying
and talking about feelings in particular. While it’s often helpful
to know what you are feeling, in fact it may not always be a good
idea to tell your partner: you might hurt their feelings, or be
misunderstood – or be understood and told you are wrong!
A familiar
complaint: “She says she wants to know how I feel, but then when
I tell her, she gets mad – or she tells me I shouldn’t feel that
way!” Message to partner: if you’re not ready to hear
the truth, then don’t ask.
Actions
speak louder than words: judge your partner, or a potential
mate, by what they do more than what they say. Does he or she treat
you with kindness and respect? Mutual respect is the foundation
of a good relationship. Does he do what he says he’s going to do?
Does she keep her promises? Being consistent and trustworthy is
an essential element of a healthy relationship.
So is being
attentive and considerate. The simple little things count,
like remembering to get his favorite brand of soda when you’re at
the grocery store. Each thoughtful gesture is like money in the
bank (and a year’s worth of them might just make up for forgetting
your anniversary). A healthy relationship is one in which each person
feels understood and accepted – for who they are, not who their
partner hopes to change them into!
Another essential
element is personal responsibility: in a healthy relationship,
each person is accountable for his or her own behavior, but not
responsible for controlling their partner’s. Neither person treats
the other like a child.
Being responsible
for your own behavior means apologizing promptly and sincerely when
you make a mistake, like forgetting to tell your partner that you’ll
be working late and won’t be home for dinner. Be quick to apologize
for your mistakes, and slow to blame your partner for theirs.
Conflict
is a normal element in relationships. Happy couples know this,
and deal with their conflicts in ways that aren’t destructive. They’ve
learned that it’s often better to be happy than right, and that
some disagreements don’t have to get resolved.
One of the
most important elements of a healthy relationship is connection:
do you and your partner “check in” with each other about how your
day went? Do you find ways to let your partner know that he or she
is in your thoughts when you’re apart? Do you feel like you’re both
on the same team, working toward the same goals?
And finally,
an essential element is enjoying each other’s company, whether out
on a date at a fancy restaurant, or just hanging out at home.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS (March 2005)
Last month’s
topic was “Elements of a Healthy Relationship” – this month I’ll
address unhealthy relationships, how to recognize if you’re in one,
and what to do about it.
Does your partner
find fault with nearly everything you do? Do you feel like you’ll
never be able to please her? Does he talk down to you, lie to you,
cheat on you, hit you, or otherwise treat you with disrespect? Is
it impossible to have a conversation with your partner about what’s
bothering you? Do you feel more alone than when you were single?
John Gottman,
in his excellent book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage
Work”, talks about four elements of an unhealthy marriage:
criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In my practice,
I have seen many couples, married or not, who exhibit these negative
behaviors in their interactions with each other.
Perhaps these
behaviors were present in the relationship from the beginning, maybe
because of how one or both of them were raised. Sometimes negative
behaviors develop after years of accumulated resentments, or are
simply unsatisfactory attempts to cope with the stress of living
with another person, dealing with work pressures, and/or raising
a family. In other words, people argue and fight because they don’t
know any other way to communicate their needs or relieve their stress.
Alcohol or drug abuse may also play a role.
If the angry
outbursts become physical (shoving, slapping, hitting or worse),
or if your partner has threatened to physically harm you, I urge
you to remove yourself from the situation and seek help. Don’t make
the mistake of believing the abuser’s next-day promise to “never
do it again”: the cycle of abuse and apology will most likely continue
unless he (or she) gets specific treatment for anger management.
(For confidential information and support, call the National Domestic
Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233; or go to www.ndvh.org.)
While most
of us know that physical abuse is not OK, people don’t always realize
that verbal or emotional abuse can be as harmful. “The Verbally
Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans describes how the verbal
abuser uses insults, intimidation and manipulation to control his
partner by destroying her self-image and confidence, e.g. repeatedly
telling her she’s fat, ugly, lazy, stupid and/or selfish.
Sometimes verbal
abuse is subtle, like mean-spirited teasing that the abuser will
follow with “can’t you take a joke?” or “you’re too sensitive.”
Ignoring you, refusing to speak to you for days, or trying to make
you think you’re going crazy, are also forms of emotional abuse.
Should you
find yourself in one of these unhealthy relationship scenarios,
don’t despair: ask your partner to go to couples counseling, and
if s/he refuses, seek counseling for yourself. Once you take action
to change your situation, your partner may come around; if not,
then at least you will be able to develop the confidence and courage
to move on.
BACK-TO-SCHOOL: AVOID MORNING CHAOS (September 2004)
Summer’s over, school is back in session, and traffic
is heavier again! Most parents I know are relieved when school starts
up, but dread dealing with groggy kids who dawdle over breakfast
and make their parents late for work. Here are some tips to help
you and your kids get back in the school routine, and avoid stress
and chaos in the morning:
- Plan
ahead. Buy or make a calendar with a column for each person
in the family, where you can keep track of school and afterschool
activities, project due dates, etc. On Sunday, plan out the week
ahead so everyone knows what their responsibilities and commitments
are.
- Establish
a regular routine, and assign tasks and responsibilities to
each child – for after school and evening as well as morning.
Kids benefit from consistency, and good habits learned early will
last a lifetime.
- Go to
bed earlier. Most adults need at least 7 hours of sleep, most
children need at least 9. Help your kids wind down for bed half
an hour in advance, with relaxing activities like reading, taking
a bath, or listening to (quiet) music.
- Get everyone
their own alarm clock (or two, for sound sleepers!). You can
also have a bedside lamp put on a timer, and set to go off 15
minutes before the alarm, as exposure to light helps the body
awaken.
- Get up
half an hour before the kids get up. Stretch, shower, walk
the dog, drink a cup of coffee – whatever helps you get ready
to face the day, so you’ll be better able to help the kids face
theirs. I’ve found this is the single most effective tip for making
mornings manageable!
- Limit
morning decisions: if your kids pack a lunch, have them make
it the night before. They can also decide the night before what
to eat for breakfast, and select their clothes for the next day.
- Limit
morning showers to 5 minutes – just enough time to help with
waking up (and to take care of sleep-mussed hair). Or have kids
shower or bathe the night before, which will help them relax for
sleep - then just a splash of cold water on the face and a wet
comb on the hair will suffice in the morning.
- Quick
and nutritious breakfast options: for light eaters, milk and
a banana, or a carton of low-fat yogurt. Protein shakes are easily
whipped up in the blender. Frozen waffles, PB&J sandwiches, and
granola bars can be eaten on the way to school (and teeth can
be brushed at school, if they keep a small toothpaste and brush
in their pack).
- Have
a set place for everything: backpacks, jackets, lunch money,
car keys. A checklist by the door can also help to avoid those
frantic, last-minute searches, and prevent having to double back
after you’re already on the road.
- Keep
a sense of humor, and be flexible. One of the best stories
I ever heard was from a mother of five who was at her wits’ end
with one son who simply could not get moving in the morning: the
solution she finally arrived at was to have him bathe and dress
in his school clothes (minus shoes) the night before, so all she
had to do in the morning was get him out of bed and into the car
(where she had his shoes and a breakfast bar waiting). Her mother-in-law
was aghast that the boy’s clothes and hair were rumpled, but no
one else minded, and sanity was restored to the family’s mornings.
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