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Yet this is a topic that rarely is talked about, because there’s often a sense of embarrassment or shame. People seem to have an easier time talking about their sexual problems than their financial problems! (And they even have trouble telling their psychotherapist.)
So while I encourage anyone in financial distress to come clean and start talking about it, I’ve also compiled some information and resources for those who prefer to remain anonymous:
There is a self-help group, patterned after AA, called Debtor’s Anonymous. You can learn more, and find out about local meetings, on their website: http://debtorsanonymous.org . The National Foundation for Credit Counseling, a non-profit, has a website, http://www.debtadvice.org , with helpful tips. They will refer you to an affiliated local credit counselor if you call (800) 388-2227.
And finally there may be help available through the Debt Relief Hotline (800-291-1042), the Tax Relief Hotline (877-283-8580) or the Mortgage Payment Assistance line (800-750-8956).
COPING
WITH CHANGE (September 2006)
Recently I’ve had several clients who are dealing with major
changes in their lives: losing a job, starting a new career, ending
a long-term relationship, re-locating here from another part of the
country. September is also when many students, and their parents,
are facing the changes that come with starting a new school year -
so this seems like an excellent time to review what I’ve learned
about change and how to cope with it.
Change, like death
and taxes, is unavoidable. Heraclitis, a Greek philosopher who lived
2500 years ago, said it best: “There is nothing permanent in
the world except change.” You’d think by now we’d
have accepted that fact! And yet, everyone seems to hate change. We
try hard to avoid it, run and hide when we see it coming, and complain
bitterly when it finds us anyway.
Change can be a major source of stress, because all change involves
loss. This is true even when the change is a positive one, like marriage,
a new baby, or a new home. Think about it: we always have to give
up something in order to get something new.
We are creatures of habit, and change requires adjustments to our
routines. Sometimes we put off making necessary changes, like those
involving diet or exercise, because it just seems too hard to learn
new habits. Change can be stressful because it threatens our “comfort
zone”, and sometimes we may even perceive that it threatens
our very existence.
When people feel threatened by change, or just don’t know how
to handle it, they may develop unhealthy ways of coping, like drinking
or overeating, getting angry or depressed, or becoming a “workaholic”.
Sometimes they just refuse to change! None of these are effective
solutions, but it is possible to learn to cope well with change.
An excellent book about change is “Transitions”, by William
Bridges. He describes three characteristic stages of change: the
ending, the new beginning, and in between, which he calls “the
neutral zone.” The neutral zone is like being in limbo, a time
when you may feel unsettled, disoriented and confused. You’ve
left the old routines behind, but haven’t yet settled into new
ones. It’s an uncomfortable place to be, so it’s tempting
to rush through it or skip right over it, as some people do when they
go from relationship to relationship with hardly a pause in between.
But
as Bridges points out, the neutral zone is where the lessons of life
are learned. It’s a time when you have an opportunity to reflect,
review, and consider where you’ve been and where you’re
headed next. It’s a time to measure your progress in achieving
your goals, and revise those goals if necessary. It’s a time
to try a different approach, explore options, or just catch your breath
before jumping into the next phase of your life. The
neutral zone is also a good time to find someone you can talk to
– a trusted friend, spiritual advisor, or a counselor - someone
who can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings about the changes
you’re going through, and take an objective look at your situation.
TEN STEPS TO STRESS RELIEF
- Learn
to identify “early warning signs” of your stress response:
- Physical
(tense muscles, shallow breathing, racing pulse)
- Thoughts
or feelings (nervous, angry, preoccupied)
- Behavior
(do you withdraw, or lash out?)
- Identify
stressors: What are your triggers?
- Lack
of control over conditions of work?
- Angry
or difficult customers or co-workers?
- Too
much to do, not enough time?
- How do
you respond to chronic stress?
- Feelings
(anxiety, anger, hopelessness, depression)
- Thoughts
(“It’s not fair”, “Don’t talk to me that way”, “I can’t handle
this”)
- Behavior
(irritable, can’t concentrate, fatigue, insomnia)
- Set goals
to manage stress more effectively
- Focus
on what you can control
- Motivate
yourself with specific rewards for every goal
- Take
care of your basic health
- Get
enough sleep (most adults need 7 to 8 hours a night)
- Eat
regular meals which include whole grains, fruits and vegetables
- Avoid
caffeine, nicotine, junk food and skipping meals
- Consume
alcohol in moderation (no more than 1 - 2 drinks a day)
- Take
control of your thoughts and emotions
- Adopt
a positive attitude and let go of resentments
- Put
things in perspective (will this really matter 5 years from
now?)
- Get stress
out of your system!
- Learn
simple relaxation techniques that you can use at work
- Get
fresh air and physical exercise daily (take a walk at lunch)
- Learn
conflict resolution skills
- Respond
calmly and patiently (avoid catching other people’s stress)
- Take
time to listen (we all need to be heard and understood)
- Look
for the common ground (aim for a “win-win” solution)
- Practice,
practice, practice! It takes time to develop new habits.
- Know
when to ask for help: An experienced mental health professional
can assist you to analyze the stressors in your life, recognize
the warning signs of stress overload, and develop more effective
coping skills.
DEALING WITH TRAUMA (September 2005)
The news from
New Orleans and the Gulf Coast following the impact of Hurricane
Katrina couldn’t be worse. Thousands of people have lost their homes,
their possessions, and their loved ones. As a nation, we are stunned,
but clearly those who were in the path of the storm have suffered
the most severe kind of trauma.
What is
trauma? It is the experience of something terrible happening,
something that threatens your personal safety or even your life,
or the safety or lives of your loved ones. Traumatic events include
large-scale natural disasters, like hurricanes, floods, and earthquakes,
as well as man-made disasters, like war, plane crashes and industrial
accidents.
Trauma can
also occur from one-time, individual acts of violence, like bank
robbery, assault, and rape; as well as chronic situations like being
molested, having cancer or living with AIDS. People can also
be traumatized by simply watching a traumatic event, even if their
own safety was not threatened.
Reacting
to trauma: There are three basic stages in a normal reaction
to a traumatic event or situation. First, there is the initial shock
or disbelief – you feel numb, and experience a sense of unreality,
like being in a really bad movie. This stage may last a few minutes
to a few days.
Next, there
is disruption in normal routines and behavior, as you struggle to
cope. Life is topsy turvy, nothing makes sense anymore. You may
experience many physical as well as emotional symptoms (see below).
This stage can last for awhile.
Finally, when
the threat is gone and/or you develop sufficent coping mechanisms,
you reach a place where you can put the traumatic event or situation
into perspective and return to “normal” life. Depending on the severity
and duration of the trauma, people may reach this stage within a
week or two, or it may take years.
Common symptoms
of trauma: Symptoms may include crying, feeling anxiety or anger,
feeling detached or in a daze, having a headache or stomachache,
restlessness, inability to concentrate, extreme fatigue or exhaustion,
fear of being alone, being easily startled, intrusive thoughts or
images of the traumatic event, appetite and sleep disturbance.
Typically these
reactions are strongest in the first few days following the trauma,
and lessen over time. More severe reactions may lead to a diagnosis
of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which I’ll write about
next month.
Coping strategies:
The most important thing to remember is that these are all NORMAL
reactions to an ABNORMAL event. Think “this too shall pass”, and
concentrate on taking care of yourself. Do what you can to increase
your sense of personal safety. Talk about what you’ve experienced
with others who understand. Get plenty of rest, spend time with
loved ones or favorite activities, and avoid relying on alcohol,
drugs or overeating to help you cope. And don’t hesitate to seek
professional help if you are concerned about your reactions.
GRIEF AND RECOVERY (November 2004)
Grief
is a normal and natural response to loss. Recovery is feeling
better—being able to enjoy fond memories without triggering painful
feelings of sorrow, guilt, or remorse.
Grief may result
from any loss, large or small: the death of a loved one, the loss
of a job, divorce, disability, retirement, the death of a pet, and
even a change in residence are all events that can cause feelings
of grief.
Phases of Grief:
While everyone experiences, and expresses, grief
differently, there seem to be three fairly typical phases in the
grieving process: shock, acute grief, and recovery.
PHASE ONE: Shock seems to be nature’s
way of protecting us from the full force of an event involving loss.
There is disbelief because the full meaning of the loss has
not yet sunk in (“There’s been a mistake; this is not happening;
I’m having a bad dream.”) You may feel numb while carrying
out the necessary tasks (e.g. going to the hospital, contacting
relatives, making funeral arrangements, taking over work assignments).
Others may mistakenly think you’re OK (“She’s taking it so well!”)
This phase may last for hours, days, or even weeks.
PHASE TWO: Acute grief is the most
difficult phase. As the disbelief and numbness wear off, you begin
to experience the full extent of the painful feelings. Anger
is often the first emotion to be felt—anger at God, for allowing
this to happen; or at anyone who you feel may have contributed to,
or failed to prevent, this loss. It’s even normal to feel angry
at the person who died! You may also experience feelings of guilt
or remorse related to things you wish had been different (“If
only I’d told him how much I cared,” or “Maybe if I’d been
here—or hadn’t gone there—this never would have happened.”)
This phase may last for months or years, and can
include these symptoms:
- Insomnia—or
increased desire to sleep
- Loss of
appetite—or compulsive overeating
- Increased
use of drugs or alcohol
- Memory loss—can’t
remember where you’re going
- Trouble
with concentration
- Periods
of confusion, and difficulty making even simple decisions
- Frequent
and/or rapid mood swings
- Lack of
energy or motivation
- Loss of
desire for sex
- More frequent
headaches, or other aches and pains
- Desire to
isolate from friends and regular social activities
- Fears about
your own health and safety, or fear of losses yet to come
PHASE
THREE: Recovery may take years, and is a gradual process
in which the pain softens and recedes, memories become nostalgic,
and there is a renewed interest in the outside world. You will likely
never forget your loss, but you may learn to make a place for your
memories in your heart, and feel ready to go on with life again.
Social Expectations:
“Acting Recovered”
Our society
does not prepare us very well to deal with loss. We are taught the
importance of acquiring things and relationships, but not how to
let go of them. For example, if your dog died when you were a child,
your parents may have said, “Don’t worry, we’ll get you a new
dog.”
In other words,
we are taught to bury our feelings and replace the loss
as soon as possible. That might work if we’re talking about getting
a new dog, or even a new job; but what do you do when the loss is
a parent, a child, a spouse, close relative or friend? Because we
are so uncomfortable with the grieving process, there can sometimes
be a great deal of pressure put upon the grieving person to “get
closure and move on”.
WHAT DOESN'T
HELP: Although they mean well, your friends, family members
and co-workers may say or do things that keep you from working through
your grief.
HANDLING HOLIDAY STRESS
Does the holiday red and green leave you feeling blue?
Overwhelmed by the demands of seasonal celebrations? Dreading the
temptation to over-indulge in alcohol, food, and spending sprees?
This time of
year is often stressful for many people, whether or not they celebrate
Christmas. At work we face end-of-year deadlines, as the winter
storm season rolls in. Shorter daylight hours lead to heavier commute
traffic as well as fewer opportunities for outdoor exercise, and
may trigger feelings of fatigue or depression.
Mass media
and retailers exhort us to “get into the spirit” by
buying things we don’t need, and spending money we don’t
have. We may feel pressured to spend time with relatives whose company
we don’t enjoy; we might miss being with loved ones who are
far away or who have died. Or we can simply stress ourselves out
by trying to make the holiday experience “perfect” for
everyone!
Here are some Tips to Prevent the “Holiday Blues”:
- Be
realistic.
Don’t expect people to change, or problems to go away, just
because the holidays are here.
- Think about
what the holiday season means to you. If possible, have a family
discussion to find out what gives the holidays meaning, and what’s
important, for each person.
- Find
a balance between those things which will make you feel
good, and those which you may still feel obligated to do.
- Prioritize
and plan ahead to insure that the essential things get
done. Break down big projects into smaller steps that can be done
15 minutes at a time.
- Be
creative, and have fun! Your best holiday memories probably
involve things that didn’t cost a lot of money, and may
have happened spontaneously.
- Focus
on what you can control, and allow others to take responsibility
for getting their own needs met.
-
Ask for what you want,
whether it’s a special gift, or help in getting tasks done.
Don’t expect others to read your mind or anticipate your
needs.
- Don’t
overspend. Set a realistic budget for gifts as well as
holiday decorations and entertaining; and stick to it.
- Shop
early – lines are shorter, the selection is greater,
and there is less pressure for last minute spending.
- Take care
of your emotions: allow yourself to feel your feelings.
If you’re missing someone or something that was present
at previous holidays, you may need to take time to mourn your
loss.
-
Take care of yourself physically:
make sure you get enough rest, fresh air and exercise; consume
alcohol and sweets in moderation.
- And above
all: Keep a sense of humor!
If you’ve
tried these steps and find that you’re still unable to shake
the holiday blues, there may be a medical or psychological cause.
You should consult your physician, and consider seeking help from
a mental health professional as well.
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